Stop and look around . . . The importance of being present
“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man” Heraclitus
Growing up my parents always found a way to make sure my brother and I had a vacation. It might be a week of camping, first in tents and later in a pull behind camper or a week at the beach staying at an affordable hotel. As a child, I did not always appreciate the trips for what it was: my parents' financial sacrifice to give my brother and me a vacation. I failed to be present in the moment and enjoy the vacation for what it was . . . I was too busy thinking about what it wasn’t. The one consistency over the years was that we rarely returned to the same location. In hindsight, this provided me with a variety of experiences but I failed to see that at the time because you have to pause to acknowledge that and choose to be present which I did not do.
Fast forward to my own adulthood and eventful parenthood and I was fortunate enough to have a consistent destination. My wife’s family had a small two-bedroom cottage on the Piankatank River in VA where we stayed for an extended weekend or mini-vacation. At first, it was a fun getaway with friends when all we had less responsibility and the freedom to spend our time however we wished. This all changed with the arrival of our children and those of our friends. Our time was now relegated to naps, set meals, paying attention to the tide so we would know when there would be beach available for kids to play or when was it deep enough to jump off the dock. It was now about sharing the experience and opportunity with our children. I was too caught up worrying about the time and the schedule to be present and appreciate all that my family and I were experiencing.
Soon enough, it had become a yearly tradition for our family to go for the long 4th of July weekend. We made plans every year and for me, having never grown up with this tradition, it almost started to feel like a “right” that we could use the cottage. When that happens, you miss out on being present and enjoying the moment every year because you assume it will always be there.
As we approached our 10th consecutive year, it was made known the family would be selling the cottage and it was no longer “ours” for annual 4th of July tradition. This news was difficult for me to comprehend because I always thought it would be there. Difficult because my children had come to expect it and expected their father to make the trip happen. Not only did I fail to enjoy the moment each and every year, I failed to help my children develop that appreciation to be present and in the moment.
As we made preparations for our final year at the cottage in July 2019, I made plans to be present and enjoy each moment. I took longer pauses while looking out at the morning sunrise or as we prepared to clean up from the day’s activities to begin dinner preparation. I reminded my children how fortunate we were to have had all of these memories. I tried to convince them that we would have new memories to make in the future, although I struggled to believe that myself. It was difficult to comprehend it was coming to an end and that is what happens when we take life’s experiences for granted.
As I reflect on all the years we visited the cottage before and with my children, I cannot help but think of the quote from Heraclitus.
“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man”
I arrived at the cottage for the first time nearly 20 years ago and it was the sight of my wedding rehearsal dinner 15 years ago. My three children have all known it to be “theirs” on the 4th of July for the past 10 years. A lot has changed in my life since that first step into the river and I am grateful for every opportunity I had and my children had to experience it. While I wish I had been more present in each of those trips, I can reflect back on all of the joy we had and appreciate the last opportunity I had to be present.
I can never quite pinpoint why I felt content and at home on the river but I always found a connection as I looked out in the early morning haze or under a starlit sky in the evening. Perhaps in times of self-doubt and or an unknown future, I found a sense of calm in the river.
As Hal Boyle says, “What makes a river so restful to people is that it doesn’t have any doubt — it is sure to get where it is going, and it doesn’t want to go anywhere else.”
Unlike the river, I do not know where my family traditions will take place next but I do know I will make a conscious decision to be present. I encourage you to do the same.
